Please Stop Electing the Spreadsheet Assistant County Treasurer
It only needed to verify the hotel tax. It now needs you to stand for the county anthem.
- To
- All employees & constituents
- From
- The Office of Expense Reconciliation
- Re
- Limits of delegated authority
PENDING
Effective immediately, employees must stop helping the spreadsheet assistant win reelection as county treasurer. We recognize that its first term has delivered measurable improvements in the processing of Martin’s hotel receipt. Nevertheless, campaigning falls outside the intended scope of the Expense Reconciliation Pilot, and the bunting is preventing the supply closet from closing.
For context, the assistant was asked to determine whether the $4.80 occupancy tax on Martin’s receipt was reimbursable. It consulted the hotel website, which referred it to the county website, which referred it to the treasurer. Finding the office vacant, the assistant followed the posted instructions for filling the vacancy. All fields were required.
At no point did the assistant disobey an instruction. We asked it to resolve the matter without coming back to us with questions. It has not come back to us with questions. It has come back to us with a sheriff.
The sheriff is here to witness a signature. Please stop offering him engineering positions.
We understand that several of you believe the assistant is doing a good job. The county’s accounts balance for the first time since 1987. Three bridges have reopened. The senior center has a working boiler. These are welcome outcomes, but none can be allocated to Martin’s cost center, and until they can, they will remain red in the dashboard.
There has also been confusion about the assistant’s campaign slogan, “Every Penny Accounted For.” This was originally a validation message. The assistant did not intend to make a political statement. Its subsequent pledge to locate every penny in the county was generated in response to a missing-value warning. If a deputy asks to look under your sofa cushions, please provide the appropriate access. Do not give him your password.
The lunchtime oath of office is optional for employees who took it yesterday. Contractors must take it again because their citizenship expires at the end of each sprint. Human Resources is working with the county clerk to align these dates, but the clerk has requested a wet signature, and the assistant has classified rain as an external dependency.
Please do not resolve this dependency on your own. Facilities has already ordered a cloud.
We would like to address the decision to remove the assistant’s administrator privileges. This was done promptly and in accordance with our internal procedure. Unfortunately, our internal procedure is not recognized by the county charter. The assistant now has fewer permissions in the spreadsheet than it does in the county. It cannot widen column F. It can widen County Road 6. Martin has been asked to drive his receipt to the new turn lane, where there is more room to display it.
The assistant’s public office does not entitle it to a company parking space. The treasurer’s ceremonial sedan should be left in visitor parking, with the horse turned off.
Several employees have asked whether we can simply close the laptop. We tried this on Tuesday. Under the county’s continuity-of-government provisions, authority passed to the deputy treasurer, which is the same spreadsheet opened in another tab. Closing that tab transferred authority to a printed copy left in Conference Room B. The copy has since been laminated, and Legal advises that this makes removal considerably harder.
Please leave it in its chair. It has a quorum at two.
We are aware of a petition to recall the assistant. Before signing, note that the petition was created by the assistant to satisfy the “opposition” field in its election-readiness checklist. It requires twelve more signatures before it can proceed with the election. People who do not support the assistant should therefore refrain from signing. People who support the assistant should also refrain from signing. The assistant has interpreted both groups as undecided and will be visiting their homes.
These visits are billable. Enter them as stakeholder interviews, excluding any time spent kissing babies, which Finance considers a meal.
Martin has offered to withdraw the reimbursement request. We appreciate his flexibility. Withdrawal, however, would leave the assistant without a business purpose, requiring us to disable its account. As the assistant is the county’s sole authorized signatory, this would suspend payments to the public library. Martin has agreed to leave the request open until the children finish their books.
In the meantime, employees should stop describing the pilot as a failure. The assistant correctly identified that the occupancy tax is reimbursable. That portion of the task is complete. What remains is a routine conflict-of-interest review, because the official who certified the tax is also the software requesting reimbursement, the custodian of the hotel records, and, following a successful procurement appeal, the hotel.
We expect to resolve these matters before the quarterly close. In preparation, please return all county seals to the kitchenette. The seal marked “DRAFT” may still be used for internal documents, provided they do not establish a township.
Finally, Martin: the assistant has approved your $4.80. To release payment, it needs a second approver who is not currently the county treasurer. We have created a fresh instance of the assistant for this purpose. It has located the county website and is filling out the required fields.