“C’mon, man. Nobody gets hooked off one Series A.”
It’s 2 a.m. on a shadowy corner in SoMa. A venture capitalist leans casually against his matte black G-Wagen, a fresh pitch deck dangling from his fingers like a dime bag. Across from him stands a founder, anxious and sleep deprived, clutching an outdated investor update as though it could ward off temptation.
“You look tired, buddy,” the VC whispers, voice full of synthetic empathy. “Bootstrapping can be brutal. Stress, cash flow paranoia, constant sobriety checks from reality. Believe me, I’ve seen it all.”
“I’m fine,” the founder mutters unconvincingly. “Just looking for a quick seed extension. Something small to get me through the quarter.”
The VC smiles knowingly, flipping open his leather portfolio, the pages rustling seductively. “Sure, kid. Everyone starts small. Seed rounds, little bridge notes, friends and family raises… I’ve heard the whole sob story. But once you taste the Series A, you’ll never bootstrap again. Pure, uncut runway. Nothing quite like it.”
The Proposition
The founder hesitates. The VC presses closer, eyes glittering in the dark, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper.
“Here’s how it works, friend. I’ll give you the first hit. Call it ten million, maybe fifteen if you promise hypergrowth. No board seats, no strings tonight. Just enough to get you hooked.”
He slides over the term sheet, careful not to make any sudden moves. “But first, you gotta know the rules.”
- First Hit’s Comped: No immediate dilution. Just sign, and we wire the cash instantly. Feels incredible.
- Try the Premium Blend: Super pro rata rights sprinkled with a little 3× liquidation preference. Once you taste preferential treatment, you’ll never go back.
- Referral Bonus: Introduce two fellow founders, first timers like yourself, and we’ll boost your valuation. It’s a win-win. Everyone gets hooked.
- Chasers Included: Weekly “Founder Therapy” sessions, because trust me, withdrawal from easy money isn’t pretty.
At the bottom, printed in microscopic legalese, is the chilling disclaimer:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE RAPID HEAD COUNT INFLATION, KPI HALLUCINATIONS, AND IRREVERSIBLE TAM DILATION. DO NOT MIX WITH UNCAPPED SAFEs, DEBT FINANCINGS, OR HONEST REVENUE PROJECTIONS. IN CASE OF DOWN ROUND, ADMINISTER BRIDGE NOTE IMMEDIATELY AND PRAY.
The Voice of Experience
From a doorway nearby, an older founder looks on wearily. His hoodie is frayed; his Patagonia vest bears the faded logo of a startup once celebrated on TechCrunch. He calls out bitterly.
“I’ve been there, man. Took a little seed funding once, told myself I’d never go further. But one Series A turned into two bridges, a Series B, even a C round. My cap table now reads like an offshore cartel org chart. Walk away while you still can.”
The younger founder turns back nervously. “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should bootstrap.”
The VC chuckles softly, flicking imaginary ash from his Allen Edmonds loafers. “Bootstrap? That’s cold turkey, kid. Nobody survives cold turkey. Come on, be realistic.”
He leans in closer. “Series B is where the real rush kicks in. You ever seen a $100 million valuation hit your veins overnight? It’s like nothing you’ve ever imagined.”
The Deal is Done
Shaking, the founder reaches for the pen. One signature, and suddenly everything changes. The euphoria hits instantly. Slack pings explode, LinkedIn connections flood his inbox, and headcount balloons overnight.
As the wire clears, somewhere across town, a fresh LP lights a cigar, smiling contentedly at the latest addict on the cap table.
The VC grins, snapping the portfolio closed. “Welcome to the club. And remember:”
“Series C is just methadone for unicorns.”