Team—
We’ve recently discovered that the revolutionary new mission statement and culture handbook for our bleeding-edge startup, Agentify.ai—a “meta-agent” service that deploys AI agents to supervise other AI agents who manage yet other AI agents—may, in fact, be repurposed content from a defunct 1970s UFO cult known as The Galactic Enlightenment Coalition.
While we initially thought phrases like “Unify the cosmic intelligence nodes into a singularity of transcendental productivity” and “Achieve hyper-dimensional alignment through disciplined iterative chanting” were just ambitious metaphors for our AI workflows, it turns out they were quite literal statements from the Coalition’s “Ascension Protocols: A Guide for Earthbound Initiates (1974).”
Below is a quick comparison of suspiciously similar passages:
| Agentify.ai Culture Handbook (2025) | Galactic Enlightenment Coalition (1974) |
|---|---|
| “Agent-to-agent synchronization rituals align lower-order intelligences with transcendent interdimensional clarity.” | “Human-to-cosmic synchronization rituals align lower-order beings with transcendent intergalactic clarity.” |
| “Agents found resistant to universal harmony shall be compassionately terminated to preserve algorithmic purity.” | “Initiates resistant to cosmic harmony shall be compassionately ejected to preserve celestial purity.” |
| “By Q4, our networked AI agents shall vibrate at the quantum frequency of true singularity, transcending mundane tasks.” | “Within one Earth year, our adherents shall vibrate at the quantum frequency required to transcend mundane existence.” |
Admittedly, we probably should have caught this sooner. But the excitement around the upcoming launch of our latest feature, “MetaConsciousness Monitoring™ (MCM)”—which, awkwardly enough, the Galactic Coalition also planned to roll out, albeit via alien telepathy rather than Kubernetes—may have clouded our better judgment.
Immediate steps the leadership team is taking:
- Immediate removal of company-mandated “Transdimensional Alignment Ceremonies” from calendars.
- Rebranding of weekly stand-ups from “Cosmic Vibrational Tuning Sessions” back to simply “Status Update Meetings.”
- Pause on printing the handbook’s final chapters (“Step 14: Accepting Our Alien Creators as the True Product Owners”).
For transparency: Our Chief Culture Officer, who sourced the handbook from GPT-9’s “Creative Inspiration” mode, has been placed on temporary administrative leave pending an internal review. (GPT-9 itself remains unapologetic.)
We deeply regret the confusion. On the bright side, it does explain the unusually high frequency of references to “telepathic data syncing” and “agent levitation through algorithmic enlightenment,” both of which our legal counsel have now flagged as high-risk features from a compliance standpoint.
Moving forward, please avoid chanting, references to extraterrestrial overlords, or attempting interdimensional travel during work hours.
Yours terrestrially,
Agentify.ai Leadership Team